I thought I could change the world.
I truly believed that.
This is my honest confession before I start doing crazy things, going all the way no matter what, no matter how long it takes, no matter what path I have to take to make it real.
Looking back at my life, I realize I had so much potential in almost everything I tried. Yet many opportunities were lost, and many offers were rejected by me.
I am someone who believes deeply in science and technology. From a very young age, I was curious about how the universe works, why there are so many religions, why people worship, and why they follow rituals to feel fulfilled or peaceful. I saw these things around me in villages and cities. Somehow, at some point, I stopped believing blindly. Even religion did not make sense to me anymore.
When you start thinking about how things actually work, everything begins to make sense in a different way. I still remember that moment from childhood. It felt like my mind woke up.
I was raised in a village by my grandparents until I was around three. In the village, you are treated like a king. You have friends everywhere. Life feels warm and open. But when I moved to the city to live with my parents, everything was new. It was hard to make friends. New environment, new people, new games, new rules. That was when my real journey started.
I got inspired by people who were better than me. Seeing them made me want to improve. Maybe adapting to all those changes made me think differently. Maybe that is one reason I became who I am.
From childhood, I was competitive. Whatever game I played, I wanted to be the best. We watched a lot of movies, and I used to think I could become the greatest hero ever in Nepal. The same with football. I was average, but I believed I could become the greatest. In table tennis as a teenager, I was good and thought the same. In cricket, I played for regional selection and believed I could go far. Even with technology and designing web pages, I always imagined being among the best.
I never thought about leaving my country until I was nineteen. My only goal was to become a great cricketer. But consistency and training were not enough. I did not push hard enough. Even twenty percent more effort might have changed that path.
Then reality hits. Around sixteen or eighteen, you start realizing money matters. You have to earn to survive. You are not born rich. Pressure builds. You start asking yourself what is next. Whatever you do, you feel like it has to be something big, something that changes the world.
At that time I watched many Hollywood movies and became obsessed with that culture, how open it looked and how anyone could become great.
When I went to Malta, I thought life would be easy, that I would start working and earning. But life is very different for a foreign student. I took loans to pay tuition, studied, and worked part time just to survive. It was hard. I did not yet have strong skills ready for an IT job. I tried, but work permits did not allow internships, let alone full time roles.
I auditioned for film projects to earn money. They complimented my acting skills but said my body was too thin for major roles. Otherwise, they would have cast me. I even applied for Mr. Malta after seeing an advertisement. I thought, why not. Maybe I could become the next one. I got approved and suddenly I was preparing for it. I studied during the day, worked in a restaurant, and practiced at night. Two weeks before the event, I had to withdraw for personal reasons. I was not physically ready and could not afford everything required.
Later I came to Spain. I worked as an extra in a big movie while still in Malta, and that experience pushed me toward filmmaking. When I arrived in Barcelona, I started thinking I could tell stories better than many filmmakers. I had ideas constantly. I began writing and helping others with their projects. It was exciting. I tried some of my own concepts too. I wanted to become a great filmmaker like Nolan.
But reality again. Without stable income, execution becomes very hard.
At the same time, I was learning programming and data science. I wanted to become a great programmer or entrepreneur. But again, I did not push hard enough. I did not prepare the way I should have. I dreamed of being the greatest at whatever I chose, yet I did not always put in the work required. I thought like someone who already had money in the bank even when I did not.
So I asked myself honestly.
Did I give everything to cricket? No.
To filmmaking? No.
To a secure IT career? No.
To business? No.
I was not great at anything yet, but I knew I had potential. Because I had seen myself in moments when I gave full effort, and in those moments I was unstoppable. The problem was consistency. Short bursts of effort felt amazing. But repeating effort for a long time was hard.
Now I see clearly. I had the platform and the inner drive to become great. The problem was that I kept repeating the same pattern, trying many things without structure. Success requires discipline after the plan. That is where I failed. Or maybe that is what shaped me into something different.
Now I feel like I am becoming someone new. When you are close to thirty, something shifts. You start thinking deeply. This pattern has to stop. If I move forward, I have to go all the way.
Most people in my life have loved me, and I am grateful for that. Sometimes I hurt people, sometimes people hurt me. But the past cannot be changed. What matters is the next second, what you think and what you do. Every choice leads to a new path.
I cannot blame anyone. Whoever I become tomorrow, next month, or years from now, that responsibility is mine.
I still wonder about the meaning of my journey in this vast universe. What is humanity’s purpose on such a massive scale? Maybe there is meaning. Maybe there is not. Maybe everything is random. I like to think humanity might be at both the beginning and the end of civilization in this universe. We do not know.
But I know this. I have to do my part.
Even if nothing ultimately matters, I still want to try. I want to choose my path and be able to say at the end that I went for it. Maybe you will choose a different path, and that is okay. Everyone defines their own meaning.
As long as you make your family happy, make their lives a little easier, and live honestly, that itself is something meaningful.
I have my own journey. Thinking deeply made me realize I missed an important point in life before. Now there are things I must try.
Maybe this is the beginning of my greatest journey.
Best of luck to me.
And best of luck to you too.